Professional Bullying: A Story of Verbal Abuse at Work
You may have read my post from 8 months about Starting From Scratch a Decade Later. I'd like to revisit that story - so full of optimism - and share the difficult, sad truth of what happened afterward.
As a short recap, I left my job of nine years full of excitement and hope; eager for a new professional adventure. I was actively head-hunted by a British Audio Branding Agency - PHMG/ and the possibilities seemed endless. I spent two weeks at their Manchester, England Headquarters and was trained by a group of amazing people. I flew back to Chicago filled with passion and feeling prepared for the new challenges that awaited me.
As I was responsible for supporting the brand launch in the USA by growing a large inside sales team and book of business, I expected the challenges to be finding the "right" people, onboarding, training, retention, motivation, KPIs, etc. Point being, I expected all of the standard challenges that come with opening a new sales office.
What I didn't expect was the biggest professional challenge I've ever tackled - being verbally abused, harassed, and bullied by my direct supervisor.
I have worked in high-pressure, male-dominated, sometimes crass sales environments for a decade. I would say things about myself like, "I have thick skin" and "I'm a guy's girl." As a result, when my boss (a man) first called me a bitch, I sort of shrugged it off and told myself, 'oh he is just being funny, he is just treating me like one of the guys."
That was the first step down a very slippery slope of justifying his behavior, self-blame, and six of the toughest months of my life. To really impress upon you how bad the abuse was, because it was abuse, I will let you in on a few of his favorite insults, used to make me feel small, broken, and trapped.
I put on a strong face for my staff despite this constant bullying. I told myself, you are stronger than this man, he is just jealous of you, if you quit you're letting him win... I convinced myself that somehow, I could work hard enough to "prove myself" and one day the torrent of emotional abuse would stop. I was wrong.
I became a shell of myself, I dreaded the dawn of each new day, I drank more and reached out to my friends less, I felt so sad and helpless all of the time. I was depressed. That is when I realized it wasn't about toughing it out or winning, nothing I did was ever going to change him. I was in an abusive relationship for six months before I even realized what was happening to me.
Abuse is defined as: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing, actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation, and isolation, the abuser keeps his target subordinated and under his control.
I left. It has been 6 weeks and I still feel like I get a little bit of myself back each day.
I share this very personal story because I never thought this could happen to me. I never believed that a few months of verbal abuse could destroy my personal power, my confidence. My hope is that by sharing my story, even one person finds the courage to question their hostile work environment, abusive boss, or another toxic professional relationship. My advice -
Get out. Run. You are not going to change your abuser. Save yourself. You're worth it.
UPDATE
July 17, 2017
It has been six months since I resigned from PHMG/. I thought that it would get easier and it has. In my new role I have a tremendous amount of support & trust from my President, which inspires me to push my own boundaries. I have employees and clients who constantly remind me how talented I am at the art of sales. It's nice to be reminded that you're a boss!
However, I still haven't been able to shed the feelings of doubt, shame, and sadness from my time at PHMG/. Now, with six months of perspective, I am even more shocked that they allowed a Supervisor to behave the way my boss did towards me. Six months later I am dismayed that I was forced to quit a job, compromise myself financially, and swallow months of abuse with no repercussion for the abuser.
Still, six months later, when I see my old boss on street - I hide. On a positive note, leaving that role allowed me to be in a position to take advantage of an amazing new opportunity so I suppose everything happens for a reason? Stay in touch by connecting with me on LinkedIn.
As a short recap, I left my job of nine years full of excitement and hope; eager for a new professional adventure. I was actively head-hunted by a British Audio Branding Agency - PHMG/ and the possibilities seemed endless. I spent two weeks at their Manchester, England Headquarters and was trained by a group of amazing people. I flew back to Chicago filled with passion and feeling prepared for the new challenges that awaited me.
As I was responsible for supporting the brand launch in the USA by growing a large inside sales team and book of business, I expected the challenges to be finding the "right" people, onboarding, training, retention, motivation, KPIs, etc. Point being, I expected all of the standard challenges that come with opening a new sales office.
What I didn't expect was the biggest professional challenge I've ever tackled - being verbally abused, harassed, and bullied by my direct supervisor.
I have worked in high-pressure, male-dominated, sometimes crass sales environments for a decade. I would say things about myself like, "I have thick skin" and "I'm a guy's girl." As a result, when my boss (a man) first called me a bitch, I sort of shrugged it off and told myself, 'oh he is just being funny, he is just treating me like one of the guys."
That was the first step down a very slippery slope of justifying his behavior, self-blame, and six of the toughest months of my life. To really impress upon you how bad the abuse was, because it was abuse, I will let you in on a few of his favorite insults, used to make me feel small, broken, and trapped.
"You're a worthless cunt" -- "Are you stupid, you're no good to me" -- "Nobody respects you" -- "Why don't you just quit then" -- "I'll just fuck you off if you speak to me like that again." -- "You'll never be able to do my job." -- "Everybody thinks you're a bitch"
I put on a strong face for my staff despite this constant bullying. I told myself, you are stronger than this man, he is just jealous of you, if you quit you're letting him win... I convinced myself that somehow, I could work hard enough to "prove myself" and one day the torrent of emotional abuse would stop. I was wrong.
I became a shell of myself, I dreaded the dawn of each new day, I drank more and reached out to my friends less, I felt so sad and helpless all of the time. I was depressed. That is when I realized it wasn't about toughing it out or winning, nothing I did was ever going to change him. I was in an abusive relationship for six months before I even realized what was happening to me.
Abuse is defined as: A pattern of coercive control (ongoing, actions or inactions) that proceeds from a mentality of entitlement to power, whereby, through intimidation, manipulation, and isolation, the abuser keeps his target subordinated and under his control.
I left. It has been 6 weeks and I still feel like I get a little bit of myself back each day.
I share this very personal story because I never thought this could happen to me. I never believed that a few months of verbal abuse could destroy my personal power, my confidence. My hope is that by sharing my story, even one person finds the courage to question their hostile work environment, abusive boss, or another toxic professional relationship. My advice -
 |
| Being Force to Resign After 6 Month of Abuse Sucks |
Get out. Run. You are not going to change your abuser. Save yourself. You're worth it.
UPDATE
July 17, 2017
It has been six months since I resigned from PHMG/. I thought that it would get easier and it has. In my new role I have a tremendous amount of support & trust from my President, which inspires me to push my own boundaries. I have employees and clients who constantly remind me how talented I am at the art of sales. It's nice to be reminded that you're a boss!
However, I still haven't been able to shed the feelings of doubt, shame, and sadness from my time at PHMG/. Now, with six months of perspective, I am even more shocked that they allowed a Supervisor to behave the way my boss did towards me. Six months later I am dismayed that I was forced to quit a job, compromise myself financially, and swallow months of abuse with no repercussion for the abuser.
Still, six months later, when I see my old boss on street - I hide. On a positive note, leaving that role allowed me to be in a position to take advantage of an amazing new opportunity so I suppose everything happens for a reason? Stay in touch by connecting with me on LinkedIn.
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